This is the first message in a series of four messages written during the course of an Ayahuasca retreat in Peru in November 2018. These messages were addressed to my lovely wife and written after each ceremony. Names of people and locations have been changed.
Last night marked one of my best Ayahuasca ceremonies. I found my voice and self-expression through music, playing harmonica, drums, experimenting with vocables and even attempting a song in French about your beauty. I sang about the love for our daughter and how she gives me strength and meaning for much of what I do. I played with Sena, a healer and friend who worked side-by-side with our shaman. Sena brought her drum to life, accompanied by her magical voice. I played along on the harmonica. My mind completely blown, I was no longer in the room and used the music to take others with me. Where had this experience been all these years? I had waited so long. Being able to play with someone else was such a gift to enjoy and share.
I also received strong messages from the medicine. The first was that we need to build more memories as a family with you and our beautiful daughter. We need to make time for these moments in our lives. A most special moment was her bedtime. This was a sacred ritual we could both attend rather than taking turns, blessing her little soul and being grateful for one another.
“Small but significant, I carried this “hate” like a burden, an unnecessary weight on my soul. “
The second message regarded the relationship between the word “hate” and the actual feeling of “hate”, how we can easily think “hate” is gone when we only bury it deeper. Indeed, I had tried hard to stop using the word, only to realize that even though I was no longer using it, I still had some vestigial “hate” carried from previous relationships. Small but significant, I carried this “hate” like a burden, an unnecessary weight on my soul. I decided to place it in a box instead and let it go, waved it goodbye. The message morphed into: “love the people from your previous relationships as they should be loved.” This was a new form of love to discover.
I felt your energy and our daughter’s energy supporting me. At that point, your eyes and her eyes were the most beautiful sight in my world.